August 15th, 2008, a Friday

Ok, so I missed a day.  I've never done that before and it's not like me.  But I am practicing being imperfect and then forgiving myself.  After all, I have written 79 blogs in the last 5 months.  And I have a lot on my mind.  So let's move on already!

As you know, Dominic was being called back to the monkery in the hills of Santa Monica last we spoke.  On Monday, my Nicky, who I thought I was everything to, did leave to go back.  He said it was for evaluation and contemplation.  I guess he just couldn't think straight with me around.  You know, because he loves me so much.  So I tried to be cool and calm about it.  Not like it didn't matter, but not like I was going to throw myself into the lake even though I can't swim.  (You don't know how close I came.)  I just watched him go.  I put on a fabulous outfit to remind myself that I am Gina Rose.  But I just felt silly in that outfit with Nicky gone.

I've never completely committed to Nicky, you know.  The love I have been waiting for has always been more romantic, passionate, wildly exciting, unpredictable, up and down.  So you feel unbelievably great.  Well, you can't really feel that great all the time, can you?  When you are not feeling that great, you are actually feeling pretty awful.  Deep inside.  But then you always want that wildly exciting thing back, always searching for it.  And then you want and need it more and more and the time in between having it gets longer and longer.  Not to mention that life isn't supposed to be all about you and one guy.  Surely there is more than that.  Like blogging and getting involved in things that matter in this world. 

When Nicky was gone, I missed him sitting next to me even though he is really quiet and just lets me do all the talking.  Actually I like to do the talking.  I missed the way I feel when he is sitting next to me, just letting me be me and smiling to himself.  I missed how safe and happy I feel when I go to sleep each night next to him.  Yeah, I didn't even write my blog, which is sacred to me, while he was gone. 

It is really hard to give up the things that give you the big hit, that make you feel alive in your fur for the short term.  It takes a lot of guts to admit that some things are more important than a quick fix.  That you are actually worth a lot more than that.  What is hard is giving up the one thing that feels good for sure.  Even though it's not good for you.  Even though it's hard, you should fight the feeling that you are settling for less if you do give it up because that is just an illusion.  You are fighting for more actually. 

Lots of people (and bears) like to show off love.  And then we look at them and say how great it must be.  But you can bet that all that showing off is hiding a lot of empty space.  And worse.  All that performance of love is left on stage and you still go home from the theatre alone.  Hold out for the real thing that is in place exactly 24 hours a day.

When Nicky went to California, a handsome bear, twice his size, came to him.  His problem was that he was very materialistic and even had a dollar sign stitched in bright kelly green on his chest.  He begged Nicky to help him so instead of heading for the monkery, Nicky holed up with Micky Money for three days and went to work.  You wouldn't believe the change in that guy.  It was like a monk miracle.  So Nicky realized that he doesn't have to go to the monkery to do his life's work.  There are plenty of bears out there who need his help who would never get to work with him if he were sequestered in the hills of Santa Monica with a bunch of guys.  (Makes you wonder what they're really doing up there.)  In fact, plenty of those possible clients live right here in this house in the dragonfly room.  They're lining up.  

And so my Nicky came back to me.  And I figured out that it isn't that great to just stand face to face with one person your whole life to the exclusion of other things.  You should establish that you love each other for sure, and then turn back to back facing out and do what you were put here to do.  Its ok to hold hands while you do it.  And sometimes more, of course.  We're just learning.

GR